Thursday, August 21, 2008

Hooray! The Olympics are over!

Hooray! The Olympics are over!

Oh. Wait.

You say there are still a few more days left?


Don't get me wrong; I have actually enjoyed the events I have watched so far. It even sucked in the LW and the Horde. (I've even managed to keep my thoughts on mainland Chinese politics fairly quiet.)

But really, what's left?

OK, OK. I'll give you Track and Field. And Diving. Neither of which I can watch. Which is odd--my father was all-state in Track in high school. And I can watch Swimming.

But not Track. I don't know why. And not Diving. (I will confess this one is largely due to my own lack of knowledge about the sport. All I see are the twists and the splashes. The nuances are lost on me; one splash looks pretty much like another....)

I heard Glenn Beck ranting about this a couple days ago. Now, granted, a lot of what he said was tongue-in-cheek, but it got me thinking.


Really, a sport?

I remember at the Athens games, I believe it was, watching the first events on Trampoline and thinking the same thing. My LW had never heard of it so the broadcast this past weekend shocked her.

Her first response was, "This is a sport? Really? Give me a break."

I think that's the general consensus. Please. Tell me I am wrong.

The IOC is dumping Baseball and Softball but keeping Trampoline and "Dancing around with a ribbon on a stick" A.K.A. "Rhythmic Gymnastics."

(Aside: For those of you who don't know, Rhythmic Gymnastics is "a sport in which single competitors or pairs, trios or even more (generally five) manipulate one or two apparatuses: rope, hoop, ball, clubs and ribbon. Rhythmic Gymnastics is a sport that combines elements of ballet, gymnastics, theatrical dance, and apparatus manipulation." Thank you, Wikipedia.)

Come on. It's hard for me to watch softball and baseball unless I am really bored (or the Red Sox are playing) but at least there is no argument that they are true sports.

Trampolines? Hoops and ribbon-sticks? Sports? Really? You think there may be a reason that the Rhythmic Gymnastics events on NBC are on Friday in the middle of the day instead of prime-time?

So I have an idea: what if we incorporate and merge some of these sports together? The "trampoliner" could begin the routine armed with a javelin, with which she targets the swimmers. "Outrun my Javelin of Doom, Communist Curs!"

What about letting the shot-putters and hammer-throwers have targets of their own: rather than just heaving for distance, we can put the rhythmic gymnasts out there holding out their hoops, dancing around. Then we get distance AND accuracy from -putters and -throwers.

Think about the ratings that would bring in.

Or even this: mounting the firearms competitors on the horses? We can have shooting from horseback; what's more American than that? (Aside: Except, apparently, ogling the beach volleyballers in their non-existent "uniforms." Don't even get me started on that, though.)

Think of the thrills, the spills! Then we'd have these competitors truly EARNING their medals.

Instead of bouncing around, fifteen feet in the air, twirling their stick-ribbons. Not that we could merge these two sports. Who would watch?

Now, if they were on trampolines straddling shark-infested pools.... That would bring in viewers.

Now, if we could just get mainland Chinese crooks liars murderous thugs evil Communist hate-mongers [ahem] government officials to participate in it. Then I would pay to watch. Big money.


Guess I was just banned in China.

But never fear, our intrepid American journalists will surely report on my plight if I were to be "disappeared" by the Chinese government, right?


Just like they're all falling over themselves to report on the continuing repression of speech and assembly. Just like they're racing each other to print the first story about how all the promises China made to the IOC in return for the Olympics (Tibet, civil rights, etc.) have been broken. Just like they're eagerly researching the truth behind the falsified passports for the pre-pubescent "sixteen year old" gymnasts or the inconsistent and inaccurate judging of the male and female gymnastic teams. Just like they cannot resist telling us what strange food they have eaten today.

Oh wait. They've actually done that one.

Several times.

All hail the Mighty Olympics.

One world, One dream.

So long as we're all speaking Chinese.

Guess I'm a step ahead of the rest of you on that one. See you all at the finish line.

It's almost over.

It's almost ALL over.

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