Monday, July 14, 2008

Big Outer-Spacey Sucking Hole Thing

Thanks to The Spirit of the Law for this little tidbit.

The little tidbit that broke me away from trying to reconstruct some missing/damaged computer files...which was what I was doing instead of preparing some Motions to file with the Court.

The little tidbit about Dallas County Commissioner John Wiley Price decrying a white Commissioner's use of the term "black hole" to describe an area where things enter and vanish, never to be seen again. Commisioner Price, as well as a Judge who was present--and also took offense at the scientific term--are both "racially diverse."

Instead of completing my self-appointed tasks, I'm pulled away to marvel at the Texas-sized politically-correct idiocy the story represents.

Oops. Maybe I can't say "Texas-sized" any longer.

Maybe that's racially-insensitive too.

You see, I have to say "racially diverse" because apparently the adjective "black" is racially insensitive. I refuse to hyphenate people, so I'm left with "racially diverse."

So you see my dilemma with "Texas-sized." What if one of my readers is shorter than average and is from Texas? What if they are unusually slender and are from Texas? Is using the reference "Texas-sized" implying that everything from Texas is abnormally large and therefore discriminatory to the unusually small (or normal) Texan?

I won't even talk about the "Texas-sized can of whoop" that could be opened up on me. Even if it's not my fault no-one has ever heard of a "Rhode Island-sized can of whoop."

That would be just plain silly, after all.

Oops. I did it again. I'm being insensitive about the fact that Rhode Island is so small.

Darn it.

I have a solution.

Let's introduce legislation in Washington, D.C. that bans the use of the adjective.

That pesky, evil adjective. That part of speech that has caused--and continues to cause--so much trouble in the world.

Think about it... no "black." No "white." No "yellow," "brown," "green," or "safflower."

Of course, Crayola would go out of business: Not only is "Indian Red" out of the question, "Red" itself is out. We couldn't even reduce it to one crayon in a box, because who would decide what color it would be. Even if Crayola started to market those incredibly stupid pencils that have six or eight different colors all mixed together it still wouldn't work. After all, who gets to tell blue-violet that they didn't make the cut.

That would be insensitive to all the blue-violets out there.

No more "canary yellow"...or even "yellow."

You would, of course, have to watch out for certain nouns as well. "Whale" comes to mind, as does "New Yorker," "Californian," "Nerd," and "Geek." (Dang. Those last two mean I can't even call myself that, for fear of offending not just myself, but someone else who may be offended that I call myself such or that I consider myself in their same demographic.

No more "four-eyes," "brace-face," or "metal-mouth" that would have made my junior high school days much better. But on the flip side, you lose "spicy," "fiery," and "delicious"--all of which makes a trip to the Chinese, Thai, or Mexican restaurants a bit more bland. (Oops. I've labeled the restaurants; I can't do that. Neither can I use "bland.")

While it may be good, at first glance, to lose "greasy" as in "greasy spoon," remember how much you like a good greasy hamburger, or greasy fries.

If we lose "black hole" consider how many science texts have to be changed. You could only refer to them as "holes" which may take a little getting used to; what do you do, however, with "red dwarfs" or "white giants"? We lose "red" and "white" but also "dwarfs" and "giants."

Speaking of giants, the Jolly Green Giant could be neither "jolly," "green," or "giant." And don't even get me started on the creepy little "Niblet."

Dallas County Commissioner John Wiley Price also says that "angel food cake" and "devil's food cake" are racist. If so, what do we do about cheesecake? We can't describe it with "cheese" and even "cake" is questionable, as in "A piece of cake." That also does in pie, as in "Easy as pie." What if pie-ists and cake-ists don't like being described as easy or simple?

Well, that's O.K., because we won't have "easy" or "simple" either.

Commissioner Price also complains about "black sheep." I agree.... Have you ever thought about how those poor sheep feel being compared to your cousin Harold? Sheesh.

If, as Commissioner Price demands, we must all be more careful about what we say, there are going to be a lot of quiet people. Which would make a certain segment of our society much happier, as they won't have anyone who dares to oppose them.

I think I'm gonna pick up my phone and call my Congressman. We've got to do something about all this labeling crap, garbage, err... stuff.

Hold on.... Maybe "stuff" is also--somehow--insensitive.

Anyway, I'll call my Congressman (hold on, is THAT a description? It could be taken as a derogatory term.) Ahem. I'm going to call my Congressman Congressperson Representative and suggest the legislation. On second thought, however, we may as well make it a Constitutional Amendment.

Amendment XXVIII:
The right of the people to be secure in their self-esteem, self-image, self-regard, and individual, personal sensitivities, against unreasonable labeling and description, shall not be violated, and no adjectives or descriptions shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly referencing the exact characteristic or personality trait to be described, and the persons able to employ such description.

Whoops. "Constitutional" will have to go too.

1 comment:

James said...

Perhaps you should suggest contacting your council"person" with your amendment and see how far it gets. Hey, if the stupid can use the ridiculous to make a point, then lets give them a taste of their own medicine.

Oh, and thanks for including our blog in with yours. Trust us, there is more where that came from.