How to End a Career

I often ponder the prospect of someday quitting the practice of law. Any more, it's not a career path I wish to be on in twenty years.

Heck...I don't "wish" to be on the path tomorrow.
But I digress.

When I consider quitting the practice, of course the first thought is always: How do you expect to support your family? Nice trap you've fallen into, Iggy.

Yes. Sometimes when I'm alone I call myself Iggy.
But again: digression.

When I consider quitting the practice, the SECOND thought is often: What spectacular thing can I do on my last day in the practice that will leave my mark in the minds and hearts of my colleagues and live in court-lore forever?

Over the past fourteen years or so, many MANY ideas have crossed my mind...most of them drop-dead hilarious and many of them questionably legal/ethical. (Hence why they would be done on my LAST day of practice. See?) But no matter how good they have been,
this story today (courtesy of foxnews.com) just gave me what may be the #1 on my list...

An Air Canada flight en route from Toronto to London had to make an emergency landing after its co-pilot apparently suffered a nervous breakdown, according to the Daily Mail.

The Boeing 767 was flying at 37,000 feet over the Atlantic Ocean when the unidentified co-pilot began shouting and "invoking God" and had to be restrained, the Daily Mail reported.

Crew members and a passenger, who happened to be in the armed forces, held down the man, shackling his wrists and ankles and tying him to a seat.

The flight made an emergency landing in Shannon, Ireland, and the co-pilot was taken off the plane crying and yelling, according to the Daily Mail.

He was being treated at a psychiatric ward for what was believed to be a nervous breakdown.

I must confess, though. As I write this, I'm thinking of some REALLY good "departure" ideas that are coming back to my mind; ones I just cannot bring myself to share (again, legality and ethics).

This one is definitely in the top five, however.

Just imagine... standing and saying, "Excuse me, Your Honor" and then dissolving into a screaming tirade, waving your arms and invoking God...causing the Federal Court security officers to rush and restrain you? Priceless....

OK.

Maybe top three.

Smarter than an 8th Grader?

Wow. I'm pleasantly surprised.

I really did not expect to do as well as I did, to be embarassingly honest.

There's a reason, after all, that I went to Law School . . . Math and Science just aren't my friends!

But at least I could hold my own against a small classroom of five-year-olds!
25

"I Understand There is Also a Cannon."

According to this story fromReuter's, a British farmer built a castle on his land and then--to avoid zoning or planning regulations--hid the entire thing behind hay bales.

I wish I had a picture of the home.

Heck. I wish I had the home.

The spokeswoman for the Reigate and Banstead Borough Council describes the home as looking "like a mock-Tudor house from the front" and adding "it's got two turrets at the back." In addition, there is "an associated conservatory, marquee structure, wooden bridge, patio, decking and tarmac racecourse."

All of this hidden behind bales of hay?

That's a heck of a lot of hay!

Apparently no one noticed their comings and goings, let alone the construction? Again from the spokeswoman: "I think the neighbors thought there might be something going on but it is difficult to tell, isn't it?"

Ya think?!?

I don't want THESE neighbors in my neighborhood watch, I'll tell you that much. ["Honey? Did the Montanas buy a moving van recently? I saw one parked at their place last week while they were on vacation."]

Oh, and my favorite line of the story? The spokeswoman said, "I understand there is also a cannon."

Deities and Irony (**Warning: Black humor**)

From news.com.au (although I found it on The Jawa Report, a little story that proves Deities understand humor, irony, and above all-- slapstick comedy.

It would all be so funny if it were not for the innocent deaths.

The story? Dateline--Afghanistan, January 24, 2008.

The would-be attacker tripped as he was leaving a building apparently to target an opening ceremony for a mosque that was expected to be attended by Afghan and international military officials, said Sakhi Mir.

"Coming down the stairs, he fell down and exploded. Two civilian women and a man were wounded,'' Mir said.

Wikipedia--Yeah, I know, gimme a break. I know that Wikipedia isn't the fount of all wisdom and knowledge, let alone accuracy, but it works for my purposes here--Wikipedia has this to say about slapstick comedy:

the performance of slapstick comedy--based on exquisite timing and unerring calculation of execution, character reaction, and audience laughter--is considered among the more difficult tasks facing a live performer.

What makes this story even funnier? (and yes, we ARE allowed to laugh at the story--Wikipedia tells us: "The style is common to those genres of entertainment in which the audience is supposed to understand the very hyperbolic nature of such violence to exceed the boundaries of common sense and thus license non-cruel laughter." [Emphasis added.]
What makes it even funnier is the additional information the article provides:

It was the second such incident in two days, with another man killing himself and three others on Tuesday when his bomb-filled waistcoat exploded as he was putting it on....

Talk about a Technicolor Dreamcoat!

Now if there were only some way to thank these gentlemen for the hard work they put into making us all laugh. They had it all: unerring calculation of execution, tremendous character reaction--all of it.

Oh wait...I remember! They don't need any payment from us, their appreciative public.

They're getting virgins!

It can't ALL be stress and anxiety....

I fully understand and appreciate that clients get nervous and uptight where court hearins are concerned. Anxiety over their case can certainly translate into a state approaching genetic stupidity.
I can buy that.

But c'mon.
Some people are just plain stupid.

Evidence: I sat in court today and watched an attorney argue for confirmation of his clients' Chapter 13 case. (For the uninitiated: The confirmation hearing is a hearing that takes place to give all sides a place to "air grievances" and to allow the Judge to rule on these issues. It is the time/place where the Judge puts the final stamp of approval on the Chapter 13 case so that it can go forward.)

So, as I said, I'm sitting watching this attorney argue with the Chapter 13 Trustee's attorney and a creditor's attorney over different issues. Other attorneys in the courtroom are all checking their watches, as we all have better places to be.
Finally, these issues are all resolved and the Judge asks one further question. The attorney asks for a moment to consult with his client.

And thus it begins.

He talks.

And talks.

And talks some more.

The Judge takes this opportunity to blow his nose.

And still they're talking.

Finally, after what must have been over five minutes, the attorney steps back to the microphone and after apologizing to the Court for the time spent, says that in the interest of judicial economy, he has to alert the Court that his clients just can't make the case work and are going to allow the case to dismiss. The Judge complies and dismisses the case.

Here's what happened: Apparently the debtors owed nearly $20,000 in mortgage arrears. Their Chapter 13 Plan indicated they were going to let the house go to the bank. This Plan was filed in November 2007. Apparently, the husband and wife don't ever discuss their individual intentions regarding the house. Now, sitting at the table in court, the wife says, "Yes, we're going to let the house go," while the husbands says, "WHAT?! I'm not giving up my house." The attorney eventually says, "Fine...you don't want to give up the house, and these arrears make your plan infeasibile, so you're OK with dismissing the case?" and the debtors agree.

Cut to the hallway outside the courtroom.

The debtors proceed to take the attorney apart because "they only had thirty seconds" in which to make this important decision.

Never mind they've had two full months.

Never mind that they were the ones that fell behind on their mortgage in the first place.

Never mind that they were the ones that couldn't decide on a unified intention.

It's all the attorney's fault.

Let the castigation begin!

The finger-pointing went on for at least ten minutes until the wife stormed from the courthouse in tears.
And all the attorney could do was sit there and wonder WHY he ever went to law school.

That, incidentally, is the same question I ask myself at least four times a week.

The first step is admitting it

OK. Apparently I'm a geek.
I always knew I was...but now I've been validated. I also know just how BIG a geek I am.

84% Geek

It's a good thing my LW and the Horde love me so much!

Where's Roger Patterson when you need him?

A week or so ago, I stumbled across this blog by another bankruptcy attorney. As I was looking through old posts, I found one in which she talks about a sighting of a naked guy in Wyoming . . . in the winter . . . running with deer. She calls him "Runs naked with deer." (You can read the post HERE.)

Funny enough post, but then--reading her description--I had this sudden mental image of the old Patterson-Gimlin Sasquatch sighting/film.

Alarm clock of DOOM

So the little town in which I live has experienced several power outages over the past few weeks. Having a particularly important court appearance this morning, I went out last night and purchased myself a nice, old-fashioned wind-up alarm clock. Y'know, just in case the power went out, I'd still have a working alarm clock to wake me up. Yes, one of those with the big bells on the top. Now, I had one of these as a kid, but it was old and the bells just kind of "dinged" in a muffled way. It was enough to notice that you needed to wake up, but not loud enough to wake the dead. So, I have to admit I truly had no idea what was in store for me. When 6:00 rolled around this morning . . . well, let's just say that there are finger marks--not just fingernail marks--in the plaster over the bed. It's pitch-dark around here at that time; I was nice and warm, snuggled up under all the blankets my LW threw on the bed. And suddenly a doorway to Hell opened up on my nightstand. And I couldn't find the little lever to silence the demon's caterwauling. I'm still shaking, over three hours later.

Stop laughing, you.

Mitt & Huck

OK.
I had wanted to steer clear of this topic, but I feel I have to jump in here. One quick comment to lance the boil and I'll be done with it.

What is all this furor over members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (a.k.a. "Mormons") not being Christians?

The name pretty much says it all: "Church of Jesus Christ." This is not "Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster." It is the Church of JESUS CHRIST.

But then you have the inevitable retort: "But they don't believe in the Christ of the Bible, or the same Christ I believe in."

Well...let's look at that, shall we: (Of course, this post may qualify me as a theo-nerd* or at least a junior theo-nerd. But there you have it. I'll just have to take that risk!)

1. Christ was born in Bethlehem. The whole story about the star, the manger & the inn, the wise men. Herod's extermination order. Fleeing into Egypt. We all together so far?
2. Mother was Mary? Step-father was Joseph, a carpenter?
3. Son of God?
4. John 3:16?
5. Performed miracles--water into wine? raised Lazarus from the dead?
6. Taught in parables--the two debtors? good Samaritan? prodigal son? unjust steward? the ten virgins? Still with me?
7. Sermon on the Mount? the whole fish and loaves thing?
8. Walked on water and calmed the tempest?
9. Taught that He had other sheep, "which are not of this fold" that must also hear his voice?
10. Betrayed by a disciple and rejected by His people?
11. Crucified?
12. Rose again on the third day?
13. Took upon Himself the sins of the world?

So... we're all agreed on these points. But somehow it's not the same Jesus Christ? My Savior is different than your Savior? I see. So, there were TWO individuals in history that, just coincidentally, all did these same things. Now I understand.

Yeah...it's simplistic.

But exactly where do I go wrong? He's either the same or there were more than one.

Period.

Now: can we please get back to figuring out how to turn the runaway train that is this country away from the cliff?

*P.S. Thanks to the guys at Article VI for such a wonderful word as "theo-nerd." It may have originated elsewhere, but that's where I first heard it. I'd recommend going there and reading their stuff when you can; they're much more eloquent than I (like HERE. Just come back when you're done, O.K.?

Been awhile, revisited

Wow.
Umm....gee....
It's been nearly nine months since my last post. I could have had a baby in that time.

It's amazing how many other things one can find to fill one's time other than to blog.

Maybe that's a good thing.

Read plenty of books in that time.
Did lots of writing.
Had lots of family time with Loving Wife ("LW") and the Horde.

Apparently didn't get much traffic here, though. How depressing to realize no one missed me in my virtual absence. It's almost enough to go George Bailey on you all.


But I'll give you another chance.

Been awhile

It's been a while since I posted any thoughts...although from the "comment" listings, nobody has noticed.

Found a great little web application today, one of many "name generators" out there--this one is for a "global village multi-cultural name." This was the result I got back:

My ethnically enhanced global village name is Ameretat Akamu.
Take The Global Village Multi Culti Name Generator today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Name Generator Generator.

I can almost hear the angels singing...in Esperanto, that is.

End of an era

I don't know why, but the news made me sad today.

I came across a note online that said, effective January 27, 2006 Western Union would no longer send telegrams or commercial messages.

It's not as if I use the telegram frequently. I think I've only received one or two in my life.

But there's a romance to that yellow envelope. It hearkens back to a "simpler" time--Jimmy Stewart opening the telegram on Christmas Eve promising to advance him $25,000 or Sherlock Holmes receiving a telegram over lunch and quickly scribbling a reply message. It was a challenge to get across an understandable message in as few words as possible.

I suppose that's what today's generation does with text messaging. But it's not just the same, somehow.

They say e-mail killed the telegram.

Let's hope it doesn't kill the fountain pen, too.

Et tu?

Have you ever discovered that co-workers are talking about you behind your back?

What about co-workers you trusted?

Have they talked about the brand of clothes you wear? the state of your office? how about your work ethic?

Granted, these things happen in any workplace, let alone a good-sized law office.

Nothing like putting in 60- to 70-hour weeks . . . only to have a dozen "nine-to-four-o'-clockers" question your work ethic. Or to have them grouse about the fact that you may have an old orange on your desk amid seemingly-random stacks of papers and files. Hey--it's my desk, my orange, and I know where everything is, so leave it alone.

It's an environmentally-friendly paperweight.

Nothing like slaving away for a pittance to pay back school loans (at the expense of food for your wife and children) . . . only to have your fashion sense questioned or your dietary choices discussed.

Forgive me for not going with the Armani.

Or the fancy take-out/sit-down meals.

I happen to like my wardrobe. And my left-overs.

And so long as the work is done, who are you people to complain or watch my clock?

• Never mind that these people are FAR from perfection themselves . . . although professing to be "perfect" Christians, they seem to find the motes and miss the beams quite regularly.
• Never mind that your focus in life is: first, family/God; second, the firm's success.
• Never mind that they put in their 35 hours and go home whistling, with never a look back or a question about whether their work is completed.
• Never mind that it is your career, your malpractice insurance, your neck on the line and simply their "job"--one they could (and do) master with only a GED under their belt, and one that could likely be done by a trained monkey.
• Never mind all that; we just have to point and pick, point and pick . . . with no provocation at all.

The bright side? They have no idea at all that I know about their petty little feelings and conversations.

I don't get mad.

You know the rest. . . .

Losing Friends, redux

I just realized that from my previous post it almost sounds as if a friend had died. My mistake. I was simply referring to the all-too-oft-occuring alienation and disaffection that happens in friendships. Again: lest I be misunderstood, I was not referring to death, but being "released" from a friendly relationship.

Although death of a friend may sometimes be preferable to the outright disaffection one feels. At least with death (as with alienation of a sibling) it was not a choice of either person's making. (Although, I suppose in some circumstances death may have been a choice of paths away from the friendship, but I digress too much.) OK. usually not a choice of either person's making.

With death, you generally do not have to be worried about "bumping into" your ex-friend. You don't have to worry about them spreading lies and gossip to mutual acquaintances. You certainly don't have to worry about them coming after you for some imagined and misperceived slight. At least with death, you can remember your friend fondly without the memories being clouded by negative feelings of a more recent origin.

I'm just saying . . . it hurts.

And better deceased than released.

Losing friends

You know, I've been thinking recently, what a horrible ordeal it is to lose a friend.

Imagine, someone you've known for years--someone who was as close as a brother or sister to you.

Then one day . . . something happens. You don't talk quite as often, or as long, or about the same types of things. Your interests diverge. Pretty soon, you're seeing each other only on special occasions: holidays, birthdays, and that sort of thing.

And then . . . not.

It hurts. It's like losing a family member. Between a sibling rejecting you and a friend? I'm not sure which hurts more. In some ways it's harder to lose a friend. A sibling--well, you got stuck with who you got; a friend is a sibling you chose, and who chose you. Losing such a friend is almost a more personal, hurtful rejection than losing a sibling the same way.

But it happens.

And oh . . . it hurts.

Who's responsible?

Today I had what I wish was a unique experience, but is all too common in the practice of law.

My "favorite" member of the federal judiciary decided to deny two of my motions. Now, that's not too surprising, considering I advised both of these clients two months ago that it was a lost cause to bring the motions. They both persisted, however, in wanting their chance to have the judge tell them they were up in the night.

So against my advice, they directed me to file these motions--nearly identical motions that were, coincidentally, heard by the same judge on the same calendar.

Just my luck.

For the past two months, I repeatedly warned them of the very real possibility of failure. They claimed to understand and accept the fact. As we walked into the courtroom this morning, I warned them both AGAIN.

What happened? The judge denied the motions (!!Surprise!!) and I faced two weeping, sobbing, angry clients in the hallway wanting to know what happened, why they lost, what to do next, and "I thought you promised we'd be O.K."

These are the things for which law school WILL NOT prepare you.

Can I at least say, "I told you so"?

Justice

I came across a great quote today from the good ol' days of Saturday Night Live. I had almost forgotten just how funny the Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey segments really were.

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like ‘Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!’ and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, ‘That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice.’ Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

Just for fun, I may start carrying my own soldering iron in my briefcase.

My own 'soldering iron of justice.'

The marshals at the metal detectors may take issue with it though.

Then I'd just get real quiet.

Precedent Misrepresented

So I was cleaning out my day planner this morning and came across a newspaper clipping I received from my brother back when I was a first-year law student. I don't know exactly to whom attribution is owing; I believe it was a filler blurb in the Salt Lake Tribune back in the early '90s.

Setting a Precedent: The reason we have so many lawyers in America has nothing to do with young professionals seeking prestige, wealth and influence. It has to do with us Baby Boomers watching all those lawyer shows when we were kids in the '50s--

"Perry Mason," "The Defenders," "Burke's Law."
After an evening of watching Raymond Burr bash the bad guys, we all wanted to study law.

So I started wondering today: If they had Perry Mason, whom do I have to blame? "Law & Order" hadn't yet arrived on the scene (but only barely). The answer is easy: "L.A. Law" and Ben Matlock.

That's right . . . I said Ben Matlock. Rumpled-up baby blue suit and all.

So . . . . How do I go about suing good ol' Jimmy Smits, Corbin Bernsen, or Andy Griffith for Fraudulent Misrepresentation of the Practice of Law? Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress?

Someone's gotta pay for this misery.

And I'm scared to think it may be my fault.

Gentleman's Bar

Not likely. Not anymore, at least.

I received notice today that a client had retained another attorney to vacate an order of dismissal in their bankruptcy case. Their case had been dismissed because they alleged to me that they were current in their Chapter 13 payments, but they could never--or would never--turnover any proof of payments. I, therefore, could not provide proof to the Trustee. We had a hearing date set, but nothing came of it because of lack of proof.

My clients never said a word until their case had been dismissed nearly a month.

Then they pitched a tantrum...and then admitted it was their fault. They said they'd get back to us.

So the Motion to Vacate filed today? The other attorney lays all the blame directly on my shoulders.

It wouldn't bother me, except for the following:

1. It didn't happen this way. (When it's my fault, I'll admit it to the judge.)
2. I wouldn't have done it this way, and neither would 90% of the rest of the local bankruptcy bar. (We would have called the prior attorney, or at least taken the clients' story with a grain of salt--we hear "my former attorney did this or that" all the time. ALL THE TIME...and it means nothing at all.)
3. Now I have my own motion being heard on the same calendar. (Yeah...couldn't bother to help THOSE clients...but I'm willing to help THESE clients. This ought to be fun!)

Morons are clients too!

Sometimes I think that the practice of law would be truly enjoyable if it wasn't for clients.

I have reached my daily limit: I am fed up with the utter lack of perception, common sense, and personal responsibility I see so often in my practice. How many people can honestly be confused about the idea that you cannot stay in a home when you're behind on mortgage payments? or the idea that their creditors are actually entitled, believe it or not, to receive some renumeration? Or even the idea that MY time and services are actually worth something? Sometimes, it is utterly unbelievable and it is always frustrating.

Maybe I should go sell pencils on the corner. Some days it would be much more fulfilling.

At least I'd be getting some sun....